7 Years of Marriage-April 28, 2001

A Wedding is for a Day....A Marriage is for a life Time
That was the basic theme for our wedding 7 years ago. We wanted to focus on a lifetime together. I remember in Matt's toast he talked about how he chose me because he knew I would be the mother of his children. I have often wondered what if God would have looked down on us that day and told us that if we were to marry that we would have to face some of the biggest trials in our lives. What if he would have told us we would have a child with special needs whom has come so close to loosing her life so many times?? Would we have walked away?? I like to think that no matter what we would have decided to face it together. Never did we imagine what the future was going to hold, but we would not change it for anything. And I can think of no better partner in life to take these challenges with. We have traveled down some really tough roads this last year, and I now know why people say that what we have gone through will either make us or break us. Well, to be honest, it has tried to break us time and time again, but I think in the long run it has made us stronger. It took us a long time to learn to lean on each other during the bad times. And still at times we forget to lean on each other, but at the end of everyday, we still have love. We choose to love each other everyday and it has gotten us through!!
So seven years have come and gone. They say the first seven years are the hardest!! So I guess that means the rest is easy sailing from here right??? But really, we are looking forward to another fifty or more years together. So HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY, I love you more than I could ever say.
Newly dating. Look at how young we look. These two pictures are from about 8 years ago!!
Engagement pics!! Again look at how young we look. I personally think this last year has aged us some!!

This was taken Friday night at my nephews B-day party.

Getting Ready for Concrete

Abby helping her daddy spread the rock. We have filled the new addition in with 60 ton of rock to help decrease the amount of concrete we will need.

Madison laying in what will be her new room. She kept telling her papa all day "That's my new room."



So as you can see the girls have been trying to help out. They are so cute out there helping daddy and papa. We are praying the weather will hold and that we will pour concrete next week!!

Comments

For those of you who have been trying to comment but were unable to.....I fixed the problem. Anyone, even anonymous should be able to comment now. Thanks.
Stay tuned for updated building project pics.

Milk

A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study. T he Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's voice The young man couldn't help but wonder, 'Does God still speak to people?' After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, 'God...If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.' As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, 'God is that you?' He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. 'Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.' It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As he passed Seventh Street , he again felt the urge, 'Turn Down that street.' This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street . At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, 'Okay, God, I will.'He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed. Again, he sensed something, 'Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.' The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. 'Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.' Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, 'Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for some thing, but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here.' He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, 'Who is it? What do you want?' Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. 'What is it?' The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, 'Here, I brought this to you.' The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began speaking and half crying, 'We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.' His wife in the kitchen yelled out, 'I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?' The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers.

Again, thanks to my good friend Sherry for sharing this touching story with me!! Love you girl!!

The Silversmith

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

" What does this statement mean about the character and nature of God? One of woman offered to find out the process of refining silver and share it with her bible study group.She made an appointment to watch a silversmith at work without mentioning the reason for her curiosity. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; Then she thought again about the verse: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time. The man answered yes, and that he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.' (IS THAT COOL OR WHAT? I love technology, but sometimes I wish we had a chance to observed more of these old-fashioned illustrations. Anyway sorry for the interruption!) If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His mage in you. Whatever you are going through, you will be a better person in the end.

What A Mess

Two of my flower beds that we have been working on. The top one still needs ALOT of work!!

Okay, so we are building a safe room in the new addition, so we had to have a bunch of cement blocks delivered to the house. Well, the ground was really wet, so when the guy brought the fork lift in, well....you can see for yourself, he TORE UP my yard!!!
Spot number two that is completely torn up.
The new addition is going here off the back of the house.
This is part of the back yard, or what I call, the swamp. It is the lowest part of our yard and all of the water collects here. Our ditch needs dug out and we need tons and tons of dirt hauled in. So not only are we putting on a new addition, we need to do an extreme home makeover on our yard.

We are hopefully getting rock on Monday and then poring concrete on Tuesday. Pray that it does not rain and that the ground dries up some. Otherwise my yard is going to have even more really big ruts in it!! We had all of the lumber delivered today and our trusses are ordered.

Wasn't it just a bad dream?? Remembering our first trip to Children's Mercy.

After our visit to the Joplin Cardiology Clinic, our lives were turned upside down. I really had no words to explain how I felt about Isabella's possible diagnosis. It seemed that I had an endless supply of tears that just flowed freely. I was devastated. We saw the cardiologist on a Friday and then we were to head up to Kansas City to Children's Mercy on the following Monday. That was one of the longest weekends of my life. I was hopeful that the cardiologist was wrong. I could not see any signs that my baby was sick, or at least I couldn't see them then. I did not see the fact that her cry was so weak you could barely hear her. I did not see that she would suck and suck on the bottle like her life depended on it but was unable to extract any milk from it. In fact I listened to her heart over and over and over and did not hear a murmur. I honestly thought everyone had it wrong. My baby girl was happy and healthy.
Come Monday morning, Matt and I packed up Isabella and left for Kansas City. It was the first time we had left Abigail and Madison. We were in hopes of only having to stay for one night.
We arrived at Children's Mercy and my anxiety level heightened. It was the first time in three days that I had allowed myself to even think of the possibility that Bella really might be sick. The feelings of impending doom had returned.
I sat in a chair next to Isabella while the tech performed the echo cardiogram. I kept my hands on her the entire time, caressing her head or holding her hand. And, the entire time I prayed.
After the echo, we dressed her and they put us in a room. It wasn't but about 5 minutes later that her cardiologist walked in and said "It's Truncus. I am 100% sure."
I am almost sure that my jaw dropped and my face held a look of utter shock. You would have thought it was the first time that I had even heard about this diagnosis. I guess I just really thought that it wasn't true. Matt however already knew. "You are not shocked?" I asked
"Why would I be shocked? The Dr. already told us this was the case."
The impending doom returned and I felt like the walls were closing in again. All I could see was Isabella in the OR. So helpless and small. I thought, why would God allow this to happen. Why Us!! The questions shouted in my mind. I felt so helpless. What kind of mother was I if I could not protect my baby? I was grasping at answers but nothing would come. I just wanted someone to fix this, to fix this awful thing that was happening to us. I don't want to say that I turned my back on the Lord at this time, because that is not what I did. But I was angry. I was angry that Isabella was going to have to suffer. I pleaded with God to fix her, and not just sometime, but immediately. My emotions were running wild.
The next thing I knew, the nurse from the cath lab came in to go over the cardiac catheterization for the next day. They said since she was only a few weeks old, she would have to stay overnight after her cath.
We took Bella and checked into the Ronald McDonald House.
The next morning we headed over to the hospital to check in for her cath. They started getting all of her vital signs before taking her back for the procedure and I was shocked by what they found. When they hooked her up to the oxygen saturation monitor, it read 86%!! WHAT!! Normally people are 95% or above. If that wasn't a slap in the face of reality, then what was. The nurse assured me that it was a normal reading for Truncus. In fact, she said it was better for her to run at a lower saturation.
As they started to take her away, I kissed her over and over and cried. I remember thinking that if it is this hard to send her away for a cardiac cath, then how am I going to send her for open heart surgery.
The procedure went well and while Isabella was in recovery, the Dr. took us to a room to show us images from what she found. All I remember is it being very cold in the room. Matt and I listened as she explained the pictures and then what they were going to do to fix it. I then asked "If Isabella does not have surgery, how long will she live?"
Tears began to form in the Dr.'s eyes "One year at the most." She shook her head and with great compassion that I never expected from a physician she said, "I am so sorry you guys." It scared me that she was upset because I thought, this must be bad. At the same time, I was thankful for her compassionate nature. It was very comforting to Matt and I.
Moments later Matt and I were shuffled to a small room in the recovery wing to wait for Bella. When they wheeled her in, I lost it. I scooped her and cried and cried. She looked so bad. She was ashen and so frail looking. She didn't even look like the same baby I sent off to the cath lab. I was scared. She came back on oxygen and would hardly eat. After a few hours, they moved us to a regular room on the cardiac floor. Bella was getting worse. We were definitely not going home the next day.
Over the next few days I became increasingly scared and frustrated. Basically when they did the cardiac cath, it sent Bella into congestive heart failure. It was inevitable for her reach this point, but I think the cardiac cath sped up the process. I called my mom crying "I think they are going to let her die before they fix her." They had taken her off oxygen and she as blue all of the time. She would not eat from a bottle and things just did not look good. They took us down to have a swallow study and found that she was aspirating and burning more calories to eat that what she could take in. The only option at this time was to put down an NG tube. It was a tube that went from her nose down to her stomach. As a nurse, I had inserted them before but of course Matt had not. They made us both successfully insert the tube and prove that we were capable of feeding our child this way before they would let us go home.
They also tested Isabella for DiGeorge syndrome. It is when there is a deletion on the 22nd chromosome. When kids have Truncus, there is a good chance they are positive for DiGeorge. At the time, I dismissed this possibility. It was more than I could handle at the time. All I knew is that if she was positive, then it would complicate things more. I shielded my heart from the possibility.
Other issues also began to arise. We had no insurance!! We made too much money for Medicare. We were told that we could either file bankruptcy when it was all said and done, or one of us could quit our jobs so we would qualify for Medicare. Our options were limited. We decided that regardless, one of needed to be home with Isabella. My income at the time was salary because I was the Director of Nursing at a skilled facility, so I was nominated to be the one who kept their job. I had a flexible schedule and could do some of my work from home.
So, after 5 long days (Ha, 5 days is a walk in the park to us now, but at the time it felt like a century) we were dismissed from Children's Mercy. We left in the middle of a blizzard. My parents tried to convince us to stay the night somewhere, but as I said before, we had never been away from Abby and Maddy and we were dying without them. So we trudged home. It was cold and slow. What would normally be a 3 hour drive, took us six hours. All I can say, is that it was good to be home.
I was emotional drained and not even close to being ready to face the future. I pushed the thought of an upcoming surgery from my mind and began the phase of denial. It was all just a bad dream, right??

Reflection:
Our first time at Children's Mercy was scary and confusing. Matt and I had no idea what was in store for us in the future. All we knew is that we hated every second of being there. It was as I said before, it was just like a bad dream. I remember thinking that any day now I will wake up and this will all be over. With each passing day, I felt like I would never make it through the next. It is amazing how dramatic the diagnosis phase seemed to me. I look back on it and realize, WOW, I have really grown since then. I am definitely a lot closer to God, and I think that helps (well actually I know that is what makes all the difference). I could not imagine what my life would be like if I had never grown from this experience. I don't know if I would have survived.
Once we were home, I did spend the next month in denial. I rarely thought about the upcoming surgery... at first. It was in the back of my mind and I also think I kept myself from getting too close to Bella. Yeah, I love her with all of my heart, but I was also scared that if I really bonded with her like I did with Abby and Maddy that I would not be able to handle it if I lost her. I still believed that if I believed hard enough, then God would heal her. Every Dr. appt, I would think, okay this is the appointment that they will not hear the murmur anymore and realize she is healed. I realize now that I was just not ready to face the truth and that it was much more comfortable living in my fantasy world.
That is all for now. I will be continuing the story in time. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and may God Bless.
Megan

Be Inspired

My Aunt Judy found this video and shared it with me and thought I might want to share it with others. It is long but take the time to watch it. It is about a man named Nick who was born with a severe disability. He has taken his disability and turned it around to glorify God. It is a testament of faith and of Gods love for us. Use this link to find out more about Nick's inspirational story.
www.joshuaonesix.com

A Mothers Worst Nightmare-Diagnosis Day

First off before I dive into this post, I wanted to let everyone know why I am going to post this. For some time now, I have felt led to write about my experiences with Isabella. Like I said before, I have always wanted to write. I have written several short stories, poems and children's books. I am going to try to do this in several short stories. It is not something I will do everyday, but be prepared to see them on here once in a while. I really want to write this story about Isabella not only for me, but I think it may be something that may touch the lives of other moms. Everyone who reads Bella's blog knows about my faith in God and knows how I see Bella as a miracle. I think that should be shared. My mom has said from day one, let Isabella's story be told in God's Glory. So....ENJOY

From the first moment I saw Isabella I thought she was perfect. She looked like a little porcelain doll. She had sweet, delicate features and not to mention she was only 5#3oz and 17 inches long. It was love at first sight.
Soon after birth, her pediatrician examined her. He heard a murmur. So, being the good doctor that he is, he did a chest x-ray to see if Isabella had all four chambers of her heart. Once hypoplastic left heart was ruled out, our minds were at ease. He said he would follow up with an echo the next week. I was not worried.
The next week, my mom and I took Isabella in for an echo. I was still not worried. As the tech moved the wand around my infant daughters chest, she did not have any looks of concern or confusion about what she saw, at first. She then politely turned to me and said, "I have to go get someone else to help me with this. I can't get a good shot of her aorta."
So the tech left the room and then came back with another tech. She quickly told the other tech, "Mom's an RN." (I think she told her this so she wouldn't say anything that may indicate a problem.)
The other tech turned at looked at me almost sympathetic like. I was still clueless at this point. Then she asked, "Does she ever turn blue when she cries?"
Deeply offended, I replied "No." I thought what are they suggesting, my baby has a heart problem.
As we left the hospital, I still had a peace about it. I knew God would protect Bella, and besides I couldn't even let myself imagine that my child would have a heart defect. So for the next few days, we just stayed home and enjoyed our new baby. To me, she did not appear to be sick, she was perfect. To others, they were seeing the signs. My mom and my sister immediately noticed her weak cry and her difficulty in feeding. I however, made excuses that she was just small and all she needed was time to grow.
I remained completely optimistic up until it was time to leave for the Dr. to find out the echo results. Matt was working, so I encouraged my mom to go with me, you know, just in case it was bad news.
As soon as I saw the Dr.'s face, I knew it was bad news, I just had no idea how bad it was going to get. It is funny because I think God had a way of easing Matt and I into the worst to come. The Dr. told me the echo had been read by a cardiologist at Children's Mercy in Kansas City. He said the pictures are not too clear because the equipment at our hospital is not made for infants. He did however see a congenital heart defect. The heart defect he thought he saw was, aortic stenosis.
Before I could even stop to think, the tears were flowing. I remember just sitting there rocking Isabella and feeling like I could not hold her tight enough. I felt as if no matter how close I kept her to my chest, I could not protect her. It was devastating news to say the least. I felt so helpless and out of control. At this point, my biggest fears were that she would be unable to play sports and that she might have to go into the cath lab to have her aorta dilated, or that she may have to be on medications. Like I said before, at this point, God was just easing the blow that was about to come.
We were scheduled to go to Joplin that Friday for a follow-up echo. The cardiologist from Children's Mercy was going to be there. As they did the echo in Joplin, I remained hopeful. I had researched aortic stenosis over the last few days and my mind was more at ease with that diagnosis.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and freeze time between the time they did the echo and the time the Dr. came in and delivered the news. Because once he delivered the news, my life changed completely. In fact I think a piece of me died right there that day in the Joplin Cardiology Clinic.
I remember the Dr. grabbing a plastic heart model and sitting in front of us. "I think she has a congenital heart defect known as Truncus Arteriosus." He was fiddling with the heart and talking, but all I saw were his lips moving. I caught bits and pieces such as "open heart surgery" "possible chromosome defect" "will need multiple surgeries"
My heart dropped. I pulled Isabella in close to my chest and began to rock her, chanting in my mind, Not my baby, not my baby, not my baby, please God not my baby. The tears were flowing but I held my composure until the Dr. left the room. I don't remember Matt taking Isabella from my arms, but I was soon up on my feet pacing. I had to get out of there. The walls were closing in and I felt like I was falling through the floor. I was utterly and absolutely inconsolable. All I could see, was my baby girl on the operating room table with her chest open. I know that sounds harsh but that is all I could see. I watched an open heart in nursing school and at that moment, I wished with all I had that one, I had never seen open heart surgery and two, that I was not a nurse who had the knowledge to know just how bad this was.
The Dr. scheduled us to go to Kansas City on Monday for another Echo and for a cardiac cath. (now the possibility of a cardiac cath seemed insignificant to what we were about to face.) Matt and I left the office in a daze. We were both in complete shock. About a mile up the road, we stopped to call my parents and let them know. I remember telling my dad and wishing that he could just jump through the phone and fix it. I just wanted someone to make it all better. He kept saying "it will be okay Meg, we will get through this."
I just kept thinking, it is not okay. I was in physical pain by this point. I was literally doubled over because my chest was so tight and every inch of my body ached. I was devastated. I thought I would never get past that moment.

Reflection:
I look back on that dark day and remember feeling so helpless. I am thankful that God lead us down the path the way he did. During that first year there were several times I thought, "this is the worst day so far". We had several "worst days" and each time I didn't know if I would survive. I remember thinking that I would never survive that day she was diagnosed. Over the last year I have "survived" only because I let God carry me for most it. That is why I like the 23rd Psalms. God is the driver in life, and even though some of the places we go are very scary and hard, he will guide us through.
"Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Let's see how this goes

Well I am going to try something new. I am starting my own blog to go along with Bella's blog. I think I need a little extra outlet for myself!! Also I am completely addicted to blogging, so I thought what would be more fun than to add another blog but this time it will focus more on me and my entire family. Where as Bella's blog is about her and her illness. I love to write and it was actually my dream job as a child. So here it is....my new blog!!